All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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