one might say we're banned from that church
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
