if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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