This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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