Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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