It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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