Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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