I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we're so committed to being not committed
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize