Church boner. Awkwardddd
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
