Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
