I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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