dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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