capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
