I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
