There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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