I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
