Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
