I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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