Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
