I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize