dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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