Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
