I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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