wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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