i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
