Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
