I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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