And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
