it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
