he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
