I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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