Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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