I could have mohawked her pubes.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
