my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
