Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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