I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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