My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
