Me too!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
