i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You can't just leave with hair like that
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
