Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
