I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
