All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
