Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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