no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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