no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize