so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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