hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize