I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
