My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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