Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
