I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
