I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
