I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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