i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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