im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize