i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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