I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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