is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
