Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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