Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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