so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
