well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
