i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I want to fling myself into the sun
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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